FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T,
IT’S ALSO A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a
refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the
paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my
food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean
that
is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing
me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It Is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out on the
other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is
nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from
the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit
through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order
for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted
the following message
on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT
AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here....you don't.
(2) If
you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why
they call it “fur”-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak
clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are
easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the
car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or
drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the
latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11)
if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....
